You Teach People How to Treat You... Here's How I Actually Do That | #191

Everyone's heard the phrase "you teach people how to treat you." But if you're a literal person who just asked for what you wanted and got nowhere, that phrase probably felt more confusing than helpful. In Daily Dose of Dawn #191, resilience coach Dawn Super breaks down exactly what it means in practice — from why staying after stating a boundary means you're now the one violating it, to the key phrases that make saying no feel natural, to the single most underrated relationship tool she's discovered: confusion is an answer.

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The phrase, "You teach people how to treat you," doesn't mean you hand them an instruction manual. This dose is for people like me who didn't really understand that phrase and didn't know how to get people to treat them better. So whether you're here to learn some new tips or drop your own tips in the comments, welcome in to your daily dose of Dawn at Dawn — videos designed to expand your thinking.

I really didn't understand it. I'm a very literal person. And so when I was with someone and I wanted them to do something different, I would just say it like, "Can you do this instead?" And sometimes they were like, "Yeah, that's easy. I can totally do that for you." And other times they were just like, that's not really who I am.

So you tell someone that you want something and they don't hold your boundary. What's left to do? You really only have two choices — you hold your boundary and leave the relationship, or you stay and violate your own boundaries.

We often think people continuing to do something is them violating our boundaries, but really once you've stated your boundary and chosen to stay, it's you violating your own boundaries. And that can be hard to process, but essentially the person is still doing the behavior and you're accepting it. So you're teaching them it's okay to treat you like that.

And oh boy, it can be really hard to process that it's you that's been getting in your way all along.

Some other subtle ways we put others ahead of ourselves — dropping everything to reply to a text, to go get someone, or taking a call no matter what you're in the middle of or what your plans were at the moment. Putting up with snide remarks, insults disguised as humor, backhanded compliments. Letting people make innuendo comments or be inappropriate, insinuating things that we really feel the need to correct.

I didn't even realize that those things I was doing meant I was putting other people ahead of myself. I stepped on myself so much to get to other people that I was always last on my list. And I managed to turn that all around. And I can tell you life is a whole lot easier when you do that.

Okay. So, you teach people how to treat you. What are some of the ways we can use to guide others how to treat us?

Keeping your ringer off when you're in the middle of something. You can still leave your phone face up and you'll see it light up if it lights up. And emergency calls can usually use the bypass. But making the effort to put your attention first — like you deserve to complete something, to be able to hold your attention through it — and giving yourself that shows you that you matter.

Have key phrases in your repertoire. So when someone asks you to do something that you don't want to do, you have a very comfortable response to say to them. Something like "that's not something I do" or "oh no, that doesn't work for me." The key is all in your conviction. Just believe you have the right to say no, and saying no becomes a whole lot easier.

Teach people how to treat you by changing the subject. And if they won't stick to the subject change — actually leaving. This might sound hardcore but emotional drains are still drains and you deserve to feel as good as you possibly can.

Learn to detach your circumstances from your emotions. That's where the whole "feel your feels but keep your feet out of the fire" comes from. You can feel your emotions without getting sick to your stomach about it, without having a headache or having to take a nap. And you do that by separating yourself from the circumstance, looking at it objectively, and holding your own hand through the experience.

Confusion is an answer. This is one of the biggest tools that I've used in the last couple of years. If you have any sort of a relationship with someone and you're confused about it, that's your answer that you don't really have a relationship with that person.

Detachment gives us emotional regulation. And when you have empathy on top of that, then you can operate with genuineness and not take on other people's circumstances, but still manage to be there for them and for yourself.

Want more? Go deeper into knowing yourself by revisiting Dose 127: How to Get to Know Yourself (Myers-Briggs, Attachment Styles & More) https://dawnsuper.com/post/dailydose127

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