How to Stop People Pleasing: Put Yourself F.I.R.S.T. Instead of Being a D.E.A.R. | #161

If you know you're a people pleaser and you're ready to stop — but every time you try, the fear of upsetting someone or losing them holds you back — this dose is for you.

In Daily Dose of Dawn #161, resilience coach Dawn Super breaks down why people pleasing happens, how your locus of control plays a bigger role than you think, and the practical, boundaried strategies that actually work to help you finally put yourself F.I.R.S.T. (Finally It's Real Selfcare Time) — instead of being a D.E.A.R. (Drop Everything And Run).

Watch the Video Here or Read the Script below

This dose is for people who are aware they are people pleasers and don't want to be anymore. They're already noticing where they're giving in, but aren't able to quite stop successfully. Adding in another layer of complication, these particular people pleasers are keenly aware that if they stop, it will create issues for them with either the people no longer being pleased, getting upset or even leaving. One last layer, they are actively seeking strategies to help put people pleasing behind them once and for all.

If all of that sounds like you, welcome in to your daily dose of Dawn at Dawn videos designed to expand your thinking.

My mom had a book on her bookcase when I was growing up. Codependent No More. I probably should have read that instead of all those Nancy Drew books I read, cuz the real mystery in my life was How to Stop People Pleasing and Nancy wasn't saying. I finally figured it out though. It only took a couple few decades. Now I make videos to try and help you cut the curve.

Do you like them? Share them with your friends because together we all win. And this stuff is not taught in school. My whole channel is for people who have been invisible and just have a hard time figuring out this humaning business.

If you are a people pleaser, a codependent person, you need strategies. You don't need to look at your trauma to stop these behaviors. You just need to replace them with other behaviors and process the aftermath of that. And you do that by dealing with the other people and by holding your own hand through the discomfort of finally standing up for yourself. Betty, you can do this. I know you can.

One of the primary things I look at with my coaching clients in this regard is do you have an internal locus of control or an external locus of control? I go over this in day six of my book, How to Be on Your Own Side. A lot of people have an external locus of control. This means they tend to feel better when other people tell them they're amazing, when other people encourage them. If that's you, no judgment. I also used to have an external locus of control and it was only through working on it that I was able to overcome it.

So, you should work on that first because it'll make stopping people pleasing easier if you can do that. You can find videos on YouTube or library books about it. It's something you can teach yourself to shift from external locus of control to internal locus of control. And my book helps a lot with that, giving you your agency back. You can find it at howtobeonyourside.com or on Amazon. And if you cannot afford it, please reach out to me. I will give it to you completely free. The book changes lives and I'd love to see what it could do for yours.

Okay. So if you already have an internal locus of control - or once you have one - then you can work on tools to get you to stop people pleasing. And some of my favorite tools are don't be a doormat. I would say it to myself as a filter every time someone asks me to do something. Not for an automatic no, but more to be conscious - is saying yes making me a doormat - before answering?

Have good solid reasons at the ready. Not excuses. Reasons. Reasons have boundaries. Excuses don't hold up when pressed because they're a bit of a copout. What does that mean? It means when you have a reason, you're going to stand behind it. When you make an excuse, you're going to feel that in your values and that will make you shaky, defensive, and then you're dragging around shame, Gloria. Nobody needs that.

A couple of boundaried reasons that you can put through the YOU filter and see if you can apply them to you are: A. oh, I can't do that. I only do things like that on a weekend. B. I'd love to help, but I promised myself only three commitments a month, and I'm at my limit. C. This one works amazingly well and is so easy to do, and people hardly ever argue with it: That's not my thing.

Each of those reasons will model solid self-worth. And even if they're uncomfortable for you to deliver the first time, they'll do the job intended of protecting your peace. And when you achieve them successfully, you'll they'll be easier each time you do them.

You can modify those to fit your needs or come up with some on your own and put yourself into the practice part of the four stages of learning. You've noticed you're wanting to stop people pleasing. You've adjusted your locus of control to be internal if needed. You've identified some strategies either from this video, a library book, another video you listen to on the topic, and now you've modified them for your own mental capacity. And all that's left to do is practice.

And you're going to do that over and over and over again until eventually it becomes so natural that you, like me, are a reformed people pleaser. You can do this. I believe in you. If you need help, get my book or call me. There's my number right there. Nothing happens unless you make it happen. So, Elizabeth, let's go.

🔗 Want to go deeper? Get Dawn's 14-Day Self-Love Boot Camp: How to Be on Your Own Side — and if you can't afford it, reach out. She means it.

👉 https://howtobeonyourownside.com

📲 Ready for 1-on-1 coaching? A weekend slot is open. Text or call Dawn directly: 805-870-9740